“That’s yucky!”
“Eww!”
“I don’t like that!”
Kid comments like these are often followed up with whining and begging for favorite foods. And these negative food experiences are enough to make any parent exasperated. Once the whining wears you down, the idea of giving up and giving in, just to stop the chaotic noise and make the food experience a little bit better is totally understandable.
But it doesn’t really solve the problem, does it?
Temporarily- yes. But I think every parent and caregiver knows to expect that in about 4 more hours, the same scenario is going to happen. Again.
We all intuitively know that giving in to our child’s food demands is giving him control. In those moments of tension every mom and dad is trying to decide exactly how to proceed, like a pawn in a chess match. What move should I make that will be the best?
Make the wrong move and accept defeat.
The problem is, there is literally a split second to figure out our response. And let’s be real. Response is the kind word. For most of us, we are reacting. But we don’t have to continue this cycle of reacting.
Reacting escalates the emotional tension. Things can easily go from bad to worse simply from a comment, exclamation, or even a facial expression. Once the dinner table wrestling match begins, it feels impossible to escape unruffled.
If you are tired of hearing discontent at the dinner table…
If you dread meal time, knowing that whining about the meal is about to begin…
If you feel stuck in how to respond so you react less and respond more…
Here are 3 tricks to reduce the meal time whining and get rid of your short order cook hat- once and for all.
Change the Language
“Yuck!” is a common expression, but it’s not a good one. This exclamation is similar to a curse word- it doesn’t really say anything. It doesn’t express a feeling or why something is distasteful. Does the child not like the flavor? The mouth-feel? The scent wafting up to her nose? Often, this word is spoken before it has even touched their tongue.
Words like these often escalate parents’ emotions, making them feel frustrated when their child won’t even consider eating the food that they spent time and money preparing. Without even realizing it, anger can begin building, and this often fuels our reaction to our children.
Instead of allowing these undescriptive words and phrases at the dinner table, you can change the language. Begin to notice what negative exclamations your child says. Notice the ones that feel like nails on a chalkboard. Observe what words make you feel disrespected. What words show ungratefulness? Once you have noticed these words, have a conversation with your kids, even with your very young kids. Let them know that these expressions are not good forms of communication and that we are going to learn some better ways to express our likes and dislikes around food.
I have a good friend, Andrea, who is a teacher. She teaches her kids to become ‘scientists’. When they are trying something new, she reminds them to put on their science hat and begins asking them questions about the food. Is it crunchy? What does it look like up close? Is is rough or smooth? Does it smell sweet? By engaging her kids in the process of exploring an unfamiliar food, it takes away some of the pressure and helps them develop curiosity.
It is also okay to teach our kids what respect looks like at the dinner table. Respect isn’t eating foods begrudgingly or with a bad attitude. No one has to eat anything. I am responsible for what goes in my body and my child is responsible for hers. But respect is the combination of an attitude of kindness and actions that follow suit. You may even want to role play with your kids what respect would look like if they were at a friends’ house and they were served a food they did not prefer. Give them actual language on how they could respond.
This can be very simple! Don’t complicate this for your kids.
“No thank you. I don’t want any on my plate.”
This new language has to be reinforced a lot. Every time you notice negative language, kindly remind your child how we say it and have him practice that. Remember that if you get irritated and raise the temperature in the room, your child will follow suit. Don’t allow their attitude or child-like comments to get under your skin. I know it can be difficult- but you really can do this.
Offer an Option- Get Some Buy-In From Your Child
I am not always in the mood for broccoli. Only rarely do I want to eat pot roast. Kids have food opinions just like adults. To expect them to always want to eat the same foods as we do on that day is ridiculous.
But to give them full control to choose their food isn’t smart either. Doing so might mean your child wants to eat chicken nuggets and french fries for the next 12 weeks!
Mom & dad are responsible for setting the menu. They know how to balance protein, fiber rich carbohydrates, veggies, fruit and healthy fats. Kids don’t know how to do this- yet.
If you child appears to have some opinions about what he or she wants to eat, then begin giving 1 choice- but you design the question.
Would you like seasoned green beans or parmesan roasted carrots for dinner?
Would you prefer strawberries or sliced watermelon with dinner?
Giving an option A and B allows them to have a say but you have structured the meal to ensure it is balanced and nourishing.
Some kids will think it’s fun to have an opportunity to choose. Others won’t care much either way and still other kids may respond with an attitude because they aren’t given a choice to eat their favorite food. But giving kids a small part in the decision invites them into the process, even if they decide to pass. You can remind them later (only if needed) that they had an opportunity to share their opinion about that part of the meal.
If your child is asking for a meal (like pizza) and it is not pizza night, then kindly respond that you will add that to an upcoming meal plan. Remember that it is important that adults follow through when they say this. Don’t simply patronize them with a response if you have no intention of making this meal. And, when you do plan it, remind your child that they asked for it and you followed through on your word. This shows them that you are kind, their opinions matter and that respectful talk is rewarded with actions.
Always Provide 2 Foods Your Child Likes at Meals
While teaching your kids language to use when they don’t want to eat a food is incredibly helpful, it is also necessary to provide at least 2 foods that they are very likely to eat at each meal. If someone brought me unfamiliar foods 3 times per day, every day for a week I certainly wouldn’t like it. When we are constantly setting unfamiliar foods in front of our kids, it is understandable for them to give some push-back.
You can minimize negative comments by always including at least 2 foods that your kids will likely eat. This shows that you notice their food preferences and care about them having an enjoyable mealtime experience. But is also demonstrates that you don’t do special orders and you aren’t a short-order-cook.
It feels so easy to grab the bread and make a PB&J on the night you know your child isn’t going to want to eat the meal. But every time we do that, we reinforce this idea that they can request a different meal when something feels or looks scary or uncertain to them. We can’t ever expect to raise adventurous eaters if we always give them ‘safe foods.’ But we do have to serve enough ‘safe’ foods so that they know they don’t ever have to leave the dinner table hungry.
For example, on fish taco night. You might serve broiled fish, slaw, corn tortillas, salsa, yogurt for topping the tacos and a bowl of berries. Your child may choose to have some of the yogurt and berries together and also eat a corn tortilla by itself. In this instance, you aren’t making any extra meals but you also were strategic in your planning to ensure that you child had some options to eat that were nourishing.
Remember that kids can decline food. It’s okay. If you are concerned about their nutritional intake, talk with a Registered Dietitian. Remember that kids eat 3 meals per day along with 1-2 snacks so as the parent, you have 4-5 meals each day to help them meet their nutritional needs. Don’t stress out about 1 meal.
A parenting expert once said that the adults are like a thermometer. We set the temperature at meal time. We determine if the tension escalates or if we stay in the neutral zone.
If you have dinnertime struggles with your kids then you are human. But don’t allow this tricky time to usurp your authority and confidence.
It’s going to take some practice. But, You’ve Got This… and these are 3 steps to get you started.
