The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know. –Michel Legrand
As many of you know, I have a lively little girl who has added more joy to our lives that we ever imagined possible. Kids bring a heaping dose of fun, laughter, and sweetness, but they also present dozens of challenges and obstacles that for most of us newbie parents, are foreign, frustrating and can easily steal our joy.
McKaela, my vibrant ball of sunshine is now 20 months old, has most of her teeth and clearly exerts her ability to say “no” more often than I would like to admit. She communicates very well, and on the occasion that we don’t know what she is saying, she can point or walk us over to what is concerning her.
I would like to say that mealtime goes pretty well, but to be honest, this has been a HUGE challenge in our home over the last few months. As I learned from the research from the Ellyn Satter Institute, it is normal for a 1-year-old to become more picky and selective, even if they ate a wide variety up until then.
Too many times, meal time has transformed me from sweet to grouchy in a matter of minutes. But, as the parent, I set the tone, I determine what is prepared, and my child determines what she will eat and how much.
Only as of late, have I begun to see some small wins, reminding me that patience pays off. There hasn’t been any straight or clear path, but over time, implementing structure and consistency has helped us turn some corners.
While I still have sooooo much to learn I would like to share a few more lessons I have learned from trial and error, consistency and reading all I can from child nutrition and feeding experts. It’s true that in 6-12 months, my advice might be completely different, but at the present time, this is working and helping us create some peace at the dinner table. If you are a parent of a little one, know that I completely “get it” and hope that you are encouraged today.
“No” Doesn’t Always Mean No… Especially for Toddlers
It could mean “Not now.” or “That’s new.” or “I don’t know what that is.” or “That looks scary.” I firmly believe that I must respect my daughter’s “no” because it is one of the ways I am teaching her to respect herself and give herself permission to say “no.”
However, with very young children, sometimes “No!” turns into a trend word that is simply spoken aloud all day without meaning or purpose behind it. Often, McKaela will decline a food before she even sees it or has any sensory interaction with it. My goal is to help her experience the food, even if she decides not to put it in her mouth. Therefore, I will allow it to sit on a plate or on her tray, even if only for a few seconds so that she can see it or touch it or smell it.
Sometimes, once the food has been touched, there is a natural inclination for her to put it into her mouth- a natural curiosity. We never force the food or even force her to taste it but we do strongly encourage some form of interaction with the food. I have also found that when she sees myself, or husband or another child eating the food, it also helps build curiosity around it, reinforcing the importance of family meal time.
Recently at a conference, I heard Nicole Walters make a transformational statement, “there is no such thing as ‘no,’ only tell me more or I don’t have a relationship with you.” While she was talking about sales, I believe this concept is applicable to so many areas of our life. Essentially, we as parents, are trying to sell our kids on fruits, vegetables, and healthy eating. When they say “no”, they are uncertain about the experience and what will result from it.
Our job is to help them develop a relationship with these foods that is free of pressure, guilt, and fear. The only way to develop a relationship is through experiences, one after the other. So, let’s quit saying that our kids “don’t like ____” and let’s begin setting a goal to give them a wealth of experiences. I can’t count how many times McKaela declined a food early in the meal but by the end of the meal, had consumed it without any additional encouragement from myself or my husband.
Give your kids the ability to say “no” but also give them the time to say “yes.”
Designate Specific Times and Places for Eating
Recently I became aware that car rides were beginning to become associated with eating. Because it might take a few extra minutes to get home for lunch, I would bring a snack to “tide her over.” But what I didn’t realize was that she was beginning to associate ALL car rides with eating. I began noticing that she would immediately communicate “Eat.” when we would get in the car to go anywhere. While I can’t say for certain that she was not hungry, as only she knows, I did notice the trend. Not wanting to develop unhealthy mindless eating habits, I was compelled to get better at being home during meal times and avoid snacking in the car.
Determine a time frame and location for each meal and snack and do your absolutely best to stick to it. For us, meals happen in her booster seat at the table. While there is a little variation in timing, I do my best to stick closely to it.
Include 4-5 Foods At Each Meal
Toddlers can be fickle, eating a certain food one week and then refusing it the next. You never really know if they will choose to eat the food again, but there is no need to stress about it either. For McKaela, she used to love broccoli and then went 2-3 months refusing to take a bite. Now, she eats it again. I don’t know if she will the next time I serve it, but it will continue to make a showing on our menu.
(Cornmeal crusted tempeh, roasted broccoli, sweet potato, avocado)
You don’t need to become a short-order cook if your child decides not to eat a certain food, but you do need to provide them with several options.
Ideally, 2 of them that you strongly think your child will eat (or has eaten in the past). This way, we are continuing exposure to other foods while not pressuring them. I would feel incredible pressure if someone gave me only foods that were new or ones that I disliked. Our kids are the same way. Make sure your family meals are a combination of several familiar foods and a couple “newer” foods.
Single Foods May be Better Received than Combination Foods
Kids may really differ on this point, but I found that McKaela is a lot less likely to eat combination foods that have a lot of ingredients in them than if the ingredients/foods are separate. For example, she refused spaghetti, but when I separated the noodles from meat sauce, she decided to give it a try.
When it comes to casseroles, lasagna, soups, stews and other combination foods, you can offer it as is but if declined, you might also want to offer the separate parts. If a child looks at a scoop of a casserole with poultry, vegetables, grain, and sauce, it might feel overwhelming if there are several ingredients that the child does not recognize or eat regularly.
But, when the ingredients are pulled out and separated on a plate it removes some of the mystery so that they can decide if they want to try all or just one food.
Ultimately, I have learned that we are all learning how to interact and communicate at mealtime. But as the adult, I set the tone. If mealtime turns into a frustrating power struggle, it is because I allowed it.
We are not only exposing our daughter to different foods but helping her learn how to communicate and behave at the table. What is acceptable and what is not? If we want her to respectfully decline when she does not want to eat a food, then we must teach her how to be respectful through our language and behaviors at the table.
It is a lot easier said than done. But over the last several months, I have seen little wins of progress. As the saying goes, “More is caught than taught.”
TRUTH: Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights. Proverbs 18:15 (MSG)