Green beans. That is the only non-starchy vegetable that my husband ate when I married him 10 years ago. Canned green beans, not fresh. Really.
While we were dating, he ate a lot of family meals at my house and gradually transitioned to eating more whole grains, beans, and unprocessed potatoes, but he refused to try any different vegetables. That was just the way it was. My nutrition-loving self loved him anyway.
He stole my heart and we married and moved 15 hours away from everything and everyone we knew. Then, as our first year of marriage began to unfold, I realized the challenge before me. It wasn’t like someone just pulled the rug out from under me, tumbling to the ground to realize my husband hated vegetables. Instead, it was like we stepped up to a game of tug-o-war and the tension built with every tug. I found myself creating scenarios in my head and eloquent speeches to persuade, if not seduce him to try a different vegetable- just one! But he pushed back, harder, stronger and more emotionally charged.
For a nutrition student who had never had any really strong food aversions, I was clueless about how to handle this growing challenge and as a newbie wife, I also was inexperienced at addressing such conflict. I was pretty ignorant.
In fact, during a conversation early in our marriage, I recall him commenting that the actual thought of eating lettuce made him nauseous. I couldn’t relate… What?!? Seriously?!! It was a foreign and in my mind, extreme concept.
For years, meal planning was a struggle. I felt like we ate the same meals over and over, but my husband refused to try much of anything new. As a nutrition professional, I wanted to create efficient and timesaving patterns in our lives. Undenyingly, I knew that meal planning was necessary but to say it was difficult was an understatement. Sometimes I would even use the “kid card”… you know, “when we have kids, we will need to set a good example…” That was about as effective as a snail entering a race to compete in the 100-yard dash. My husband did care about his health. But pressuring him into change was completely useless! In fact, it made him even more determined not to cave to my pressure.
But to be honest, I also felt like he completely didn’t get me. Here I was an emerging nutrition professional who couldn’t explore, create and dabble with different cuisine, recipes and ideas because, a) we were on a tight student budget and b) my husband wouldn’t eat any of it.
The reality is that I learned early on that Stephen was not going to change because I wanted him to or because it was the “healthy” thing to do. I quickly found that my language, attitudes, and behaviors had the power to unite us or cause a disconnect. Oh, the lessons you learn when you are young, in love, married and naive!! Marriage is intertwined and interconnected on so many levels and allowing this issue to cause tension was not what either of us wanted. So I decided to begin studying how to love and accept him regardless of his nutrition behaviors and choices.
Fast forward 10 years- wow, the lessons I have learned! This is not to say that I began researching and reading every book on picky adult eaters- that is way too formal and organized. I have been schooled much more organically. But, I have tested a lot of ideas through trial and error and had dozens of honest, sometimes heated, conversations with my husband about this topic. We both understand each other a lot more now. The unspoken walls of resentment that were fortified, brick by brick, during our early years of marriage, have dissolved through forgiveness, at least I think.
To my delight, my husband has expanded his diet! And, he no longer needs a dose of Dramamine before our conversation about certain foods. These are a few of the highlights I can celebrate:
- He eats a salad for dinner about 2 times per week. It includes lettuce and carrots along with feta cheese, sunflower seeds, chicken and ranch dressing.
- He can bite into a tomato in pasta sauce and continue chewing.
- While in Ireland recently, he was served a meal with diced onions and did not gag at this discovery nor did he send it back to the kitchen.
- We can put spinach in a pasta meal or mix in with a cooked whole grain.
- Cauliflower puree has quickly become one of his favorite vegetable preparations.
- He is willing to taste foods more readily like roasted beets or butternut squash.
- Grating onion into a soup or crock pot meal is okay.
The BIGGEST lesson I have learned is to love him to change. Essentially, love says, “I am willing to give up, to surrender, the perfect scenario, in order to preserve the health of the relationship.” Love doesn’t fail, it fights a different way.
If you find yourself in a tug-o-war, it’s okay to let go. For me, it was a bit by bit surrender, learning to love the man and not my idea of him. It might look a little messy and take some time to work through. Real life love has never been a piece of cake but it is always good eats.
TRUTH: And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. –1 Corinthians 13:13
This is Part 1 of a 3 post series on understanding, loving and living with “selective” adult eaters (aka “picky eaters”). Part 2 with share practical strategies on how to grocery shop and meal plan without compromising health values or feeling obligated to make 2 meals each night. Don’t miss it!!