“I will not eat them in a house, I do not like them with a mouse, I do not like them here or there. I do not like them ANYWHERE! I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them Sam-I-am…Try them, try them, and you may! Try them and you may, I say. ”
― Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs, and Ham
Have you ever had a similar exchange?
Last week, I shared one of the biggest obstacles I have faced in my married life- living with an incredibly picky eater. Maybe this sounds trivial to some, but for me, it has been one of the most exasperating, trying challenges that has required me to dig deeper than ever for patience and perseverance.
There have been no easy solutions.
While I really don’t like labeling my husband a “picky eater,” the fact remains that about 10 years ago, he refused to eat practically every vegetable AND fruit in the grocery store. Definitely check out Living with a Picky Eater, Part 1, before you read on, as it lays a foundation for the strategies I have developed to address our impasse. But, before I begin sharing some ideas, I believe it is critical to share that for me, our struggle has been less about food and more about respecting each other, choosing love and connecting through our disagreements…A lot harder to DO than write!
Mealtime is supposed to be a time to reconnect after a long day. An opportunity to share stories, laugh and enjoy good food in a warm environment. Right?! So, instead of sitting at the dinner table stewing over my husband’s stubborn determination and our boring meals, I determined I was not going to be a prisoner to my own ideals and began searching for solutions.
These are the strategies I have used to create clear conversation about food, remove tension, improve our meal plan and build connection around meals. Some things haven’t worked well, but some have given me a glimmer of hope, even if only a spark.
And a spark is all it takes…
Strategically Add Variety
Each week, present 2 or 3 new recipes to try along with your ideas about how to modify them if needed. Whether through a food blog, Pinterest, the latest bestselling cookbook or simply a friend, recipes are everywhere and many of them look AMAZING! But not every recipe you find is the right one for your family.
In order to add more variety so that we didn’t eat the same meals over and over, I would scour the internet and books for 2 or 3 recipes that I believed my husband might eat. I would then present them to him and he would decide which 1 we would try that week. When explaining them, I would also share any types of modifications I could make to create a dish that might be more appealing to him. For example, I might say that we could leave out the diced tomatoes he does not like and replace with tomato sauce. I did the dirty work but felt excited about adding something new and he felt empowered by choosing his preference.
This strategy is the perfect way to balance powers. The picky eater does need to buy into this game plan but if he is on board, everyone wins. My husband learned that I am not okay with the same old meals each week. However, I learned that too much new scared him off. This was our balance. Also good to note, the new recipe you decide to make does not need to have any new ingredients or foods the other person does not currently like. Sometimes, the first step is simply adding more meal variety. Begin by introducing a new way of preparing foods that they already enjoy. By simply trying a new recipe with familiar foods, it builds confidence. Over time, the picky eater may be more inclined to add more foods that are new or unfamiliar.
Investigate
Identify what it is about a food that is unappetizing? and then consider how to change the texture of a food to make it more appealing. Begin to ask questions of the picky eater about why they don’t like a specific food. Is it the flavor or texture? Do they dislike how it is combined with another ingredient? Maybe it’s the scent, how it is typically served or even a specific memory of eating it? Become an investigator and ask questions in a neutral setting when you have absolutely no agenda. The goal is simply to understand your picky eater. Reassure them that you simply want to ask questions. Don’t begin this conversation during meal planning, dinner time or even at the grocery store. You are simply gathering knowledge.
To this day, I continue to gather knowledge from my husband about why he chooses not to eat certain foods and what he recalls about his reasoning. Sometimes he has a reason for the dislike and other times he doesn’t. The key is not to become emotionally caught up in the person’s reason. It is what it is. When the time is right, ask about how you might be able to modify a recipe or change the texture of a food so that it is more appealing. And, when the individual decides to try an unfamiliar food or recipe, make an effort AFTER the meal or several days later to ask why he chose to try it. What made that food appealing enough to eat? You can learn as much from why they did eat it as why they didn’t.
Modify the Food Prep
After learning about reasons for one’s like and dislike of certain foods, begin to consider how you could modify a food to make it more appealing or tame what is disliked. Throw discouragement in the trash and pick up some fresh perspective. Sometimes a food is disliked because our automatic image is limited to one method of preparation. For instance, if I say potato, someone may think baked potato, another may think french fries and another may think mashed potatoes. These are only 3 ways to prepare potatoes but there are dozens! Sometimes our ideas of a food are severely limited.
After some investigating, I found that in many ways, my husband lived with this mentality. I said broccoli, he thought steamed. I said zucchini, he thought sauteed. His opinions of food were generally based on 1 method of preparation and he just knew that he didn’t like that method.
As I began to notice that my husband really liked chips, I realized he enjoyed crunchy foods, thus he was eventually inclined to try kale chips. My sleuthing skills also helped me identify that he loves creamy potatoes, so eventually, he agreed to try mashed cauliflower. After some additional testing, he told me he does not like them mashed but he does like them after I pureed them in the food processor and there are no lumps. And while he stroooonnggly dislikes onions, he eventually agreed to allow me to grate a little bit into a soup or crock pot meal if it will cook long enough to melt into the dish.
These solutions have come with years of observation and conversation. But, as I began to really understand his likes and dislikes, I was able to then propose ideas that were already in line with what he liked.
Accommodate and Champion
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Loving my spouse through this messy adventure meant looking out for him and his preferences.
Accommodate with kindness. Graciously represent and stand up for your spouse. Don’t allow other people to criticize, label, blame or poke fun. Become your spouse’s advocate.
Rise to the challenge. Many times I just wanted to wish away this obstacle. Many times I wanted to complain and cast blame. But something I discovered is that you can either step up or step out. Stepping up has made me a better wife and nutrition professional.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!
I do so like green eggs and ham!
Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-am!
― Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham
I am not sure I have ever received a thank you, but if he will “eat them here and there” I will celebrate anywhere!
TRUTH: May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another. —Romans 15:5
Stay tuned for the last and final Part 3- an interesting twist to end the Living with a Picky Eater series!